Refuge Farms (www.refugefarms.org)

My heart is breaking for you. I can only stand and watch you as you do your very best to deal with the loss of your Jimmer. And it feels unbelievably helpless and desperate.

I see you at work with your smile and quick hands – healing everything you possibly can touch. So young at your profession but already it is so obvious to me that your plans to become a veterinarian are a natural to you – like breathing to the rest of us. You were created to heal the animals, Tara. And I am so proud and excited as I watch you grow and learn and blossom. What a gift you are in my life and the life of Refuge Farms!


But on this day I also see your eyes. Eyes that are so sad. And neither of us able to look directly at the other because if we do, the tears will begin. And this time, we don’t hug hello or good-bye. Perhaps we both need the hug more than ever now, but while you are at work, I must respect your need to “hold it together” so I smile and chatter and also act as if it’s just another day….


But inside, my dear Tara, I know the pain and the fear and the grief and the regret. And I know of the tears that fall when no one is around. And I know how the images will come to your mind when you least expect them – the eyes, the saggy lower lip, the white chin, the scarred nose, and that glorious tail! And I also know how the smells will come to you as you busy yourself with life’s daily tasks…and you will feel his presence right there with you.

You cannot physically touch him anymore, Tara – at least not his body. But his spirit? Well, that is right there next to you! Jimmer loved you as you loved him! During his last episode of lying down, Kathy told him – ordered him – that he had to get up! You had not had a chance to say your good-byes yet! And as a dutiful, loving creature does, he got himself to his feet. And he worked through the aftermath on his own knowing that we could not afford another colic vet bill… so he struggled and succeeded. He got up one more time and stayed with us a while longer so he could spend a bit more time with you, Tara.

And then this last Sunday in the 28 below weather you came to THE FARM against my wishes to help with the morning feed. And once again, your Jimmer was there for you to feed and touch and you two could connect once again. He was healthy and hungry and needed you to get him off the hill and out of the wind, which you did. And he watched you leave the barn a content creature and grateful for your care and love of him.


And when he decided it was his time, how did he choose to leave us? He did so swiftly and quietly and without anyone of us around. He chose that style so we couldn’t and wouldn’t help him. He chose to cross. He chose the time. And he chose the place. And in his choosings, he was again a very wise creature. His body was done and his spirit needed to move on and be free again! He moved on in the quietest way he knew…

Close your eyes, Tara, and can’t you just see him? He has found Jerry and DukeDuke and he has run – yes, he has run – up to them on top of that green, grassy hill and said, “Watch! Watch me and what I can do!!” Then he lies down, rolls over and scratches his back on the earth, and then jumps up to his feet! Upon doing this the first time, he says, “Watch! Watch me and what I can do!” and he begins his antics all over again. And again. And again. Jerry is thrilled that his partner can move so well! And DukeDuke watches him in sheer delight! Can’t you just see them all and feel the joy?


And so Jimmer chose to leave us here on earth on a cold winter morning in a brief span of 2 hours between feedings and barn checks. He chose his time and place in his unending style of grace and consideration of others. But on his way forward, he paused to say “Thank you” and “I love you” to you, Tara.

Keep him with you, my young friend. He’s as close as your heart. He is inside of you and always will be…if only you will invite and allow him there.

Jimmer. A monster of a horse. The gentlest of all souls. And a most forgiving and trusting example for all of us to follow. His presence here was a gift of grace and I, for one, am eternally grateful for the gift that was Jimmer.

May the healing power of Jimmer be with you now,
Sandy