Refuge Farms (www.refugefarms.org)

This has been a most difficult week. The sudden crossing of Big Guy on Monday stopped all of us in our tracks. Up to that point, we were focused and busy and driven with the lists of things to be done in preparation for the 6th Annual Open Barn and Auction. Then Big Guy unexpectedly moved on and we stopped. All activity stopped. We all just stopped.


We needed to grieve and cry and ask “Why?” and cry some more. We needed to adorn his grave and stand next to him and cry a bit more. And we needed to do our best to support each other and the dwindling herd of his companions. But we needed to just stop and do what we needed to do for ourselves to get through this week.

And then, unwanted, came the Public Hours of yesterday. No one wanted to prepare and put on a smiling face and greet our guests who knew nothing of Big Guy or his easy ways or of his crossing. We really didn’t want to be here but we were. And we hugged and visited him again and adorned him with wind chimes and butterflies and roses and we cried a bit more. But then we straightened our shoulders and carried on the job that was ours. We must tell people of the “Magic” and introduce them to The Herd and we must invite them to return. And do this with sincerity and a real smile and with the gift of genuine hugs.

And we did it. We made it through. Some of our laughter was a bit louder than usual and maybe even a bit odd in it’s timing. Some of our faces were not quite as “light” as they usually are and some of us were here but busy with tasks since talking with the public was a bit too much to ask of us so soon. But we came together and took strength from one another and we continued on.


I am so darn proud of these women of Refuge Farms! “Farm Sisters”, as the Professor calls them. They were working so hard at being their best and they did a mighty fine job! They shared pictures and we all stood with the start of tears as we saw LB’s picture of Big Guy and the children with that shining light over his heart. What was that all about? Was that his heart-glow of love? Or the signal of his weakening heart? Regardless, look at his size and his face! And the smiles on everyone as they enjoy him! Wasn’t Big Guy just a gift? A true blessing?

This morning as I was feeding The Herd and getting all of us in the new routine of placement without yet another face at a feeder, Big Guy’s true message came to me. And I think I’ve truly stumbled on something here. Really, I think I’ve found something that I had overlooked. Stay with me...

I loved Big Guy from the moment I saw that huge head in that old barn. From the very second I walked around the corner and that enormous head came over that half-eaten wooden rail, those eyes jumped in to my heart and he said, “You’re here for me, right? You want me, right? You’re here for me, right?”

As I haltered him - and was truly amazed that he dropped his head so I could reach him – I began to think of how this horse had a capacity to forgive. Here I was - a human - touching him and without any sign of fear on his part. When a human had just shot and beaten and starved him. Amazing. Such forgiveness.

As we walked down the driveway to the truck and trailer, I was singing. I had to. There were too many sounds around us that I just couldn’t bear. Tractors and chains and male voices and thumping sounds of bodies being moved. It was obscene to me and I silently gave thanks for the men who were willing and able to take on the humane task of cleaning up from another man’s transgressions.

I sang ‘Amazing Grace’ then, too. Don’t know why. I just sang until we got in to the trailer. Then I busied myself with absorbing this big horse next to me and giving him The Three Promises and talking. Don’t remember what I talked about but I needed to talk to him and get us both calm for the ride home.

But he was already calm. He was already eating the hay I had prepared for him. He was already calm. Big Guy had already moved on to this new day. He had already left his past behind him.

And that, my friends, is truly and remarkably the lesson of Big Guy: to move on - to take each day as a new beginning and to leave yesterday and its pains and torture and aches and hurtings behind you and not let them weigh you down today. To not limit today because of yesterday. To move on and start again with the sunrise. This is the lesson of Big Guy.

Just this morning, I recalled the calm of Big Guy as we walked down that driveway out of that icky old barn. He was strolling down the driveway with me with no hesitation. No jumping or anxious energy out of him. No problem. Big Guy never once looked back. Nope – his head was straight up and he was looking forward down the driveway. Looking to the future without as much as a glance to his past. And he wasn’t scared or shaking or hiding behind anything. Head up and chest out, he went down the driveway to his future. Accepting today as the new beginning that it was. And it was a new beginning because he let it be. He left the past behind him and did not allow it to come with him to lessen the joy of today.

That is Big Guy. Each morning, greeting me as if each day was the gift that he thought it truly was. Another big man told me the same thing – “Don’t waste a heartbeat, Sandy. Every one is a gift that you will never be able to reclaim. Don’t waste a one.”

And just this morning I’m still piecing this new lesson together but I think I’ve got the idea, Big Guy. Yes, you amazed all of us with your capacity to forgive and to be open to the very species that had so severely abused you. But maybe that forgiveness was truly the result of your real lesson. You had to forgive in order to be able to live life as you chose – each day as a new beginning. Your lesson is to continue on. Your lesson is to forgive and leave yesterday there. Not keeping it tucked inside to take any tiny piece of today away from you.

And so I just stopped and had a chat with you, Big Guy. I told you how grateful I was that your lesson had finally broken through to me. That finally, I understood your gift – or was at least starting to understand your gift. Because I, too, am taking today as a new beginning. I’m leaving the yesterdays behind me and focusing on today. Making today a worthwhile and good day. Making a difference today.

I will, for sure, keep you in my heart, Big Guy! I’m not forgetting you or any of the others that have come before you! But I am leaving the sorrow behind me and focusing on the joy and happiness and humor and goodness that you brought to this place with your presence! And I am striving to get that happiness and humor and joy and goodness ringing again at this place! With and in honor of you, Big Guy!

Earlier this week, in a low spot, I was talking with Vincent about how to go on. Man, it was one hard day and I just didn’t want to deal with any of “it’ – let alone the upcoming Open Barn! Vincent quietly reminded me that I must go on. I must get through it to prepare for the Open Barn! And yes, we must have the Open Barn and we must celebrate! Not just Big Guy but Jerry, the Roan Horse and Big Jim and Bonita and Richard and Lady-the-Dog and the tens of others! We must celebrate and open people’s hearts! Why? So we may be here to prepare for the next Big Guy. Or the next Bonita. Or the next Richard. And the next Diane. We must celebrate and get our message of healing out there. We must heal ourselves! Because we must be here for all of the horses yet to come. And all of the Human Beings who need those horses yet to come.

So on this Sunday morning, two short weeks before the Open Barn, Big Guy’s true message has finally made it in to my heart. Almost like a revelation. Big Guy was one of The Great Ones. For sure! And his lessons are many. But I can see that his lessons of forgiveness and playfulness and caring and calmness were all the outcomes of his true and honest lesson for all of us. His lesson of going on. His Lesson of Life. His teachings of how to live life - not just exist in it. Leave yesterday there. Start today with a new open page not all marked up by things said or done or not said or not done from yesterday. Start today full of energy and excitement and joy and playfulness and anticipation!

Can’t you see it? His entrance in to the barn each morning was at a trot! He was so eager to begin the new day! What will happen today that we will treasure? Who will love me today? What exciting thing will I be a part of today? Throwing his huge head over the gate, his eyes would ask me again, each morning, “You’re here for me, right? You want me, right? You’re here for me, right?”

So, Big Guy, I bless you and thank you. For your Lesson of Life. Because yes, it is time to smile! It is time to celebrate the joy of knowing you and all of the others! And it is time to spruce up the place and open our barns to share our “Magic” with all that come! It is time to smile from our hearts again!

This Open Barn may be the very best one yet! After all these years, I think the lesson of this last Minister has finally opened up a spot in me – and hopefully others – that has remained dark. I must live Big Guy’s Lesson of Life! We must adorn them all and treasure the time we had with them. But we must focus on those that are here and on the Human Beings that come for them and be prepared for all those yet to come – horse and Human alike!

Two weeks from today this place will be like a huge anthill! There will be a flurry in the Old Barn, a flurry in the New Barn, a flurry in the yard, a flurry in the pasture – there will be flurries everywhere! Blue shirted volunteers will be working so hard to prepare us for a day of celebration! And oh, how we need to celebrate!

We will eat and laugh and tell stories and get some horsehair on all of us. And we will have a lively auction with more laughter and good hearts supporting our Missions. And there will be plenty of hugging. And then, when we take our boots off of our sore feet, we will begin to remember the faces of those that came. And we will rub our feet and once again remember why we do what we do.

Isn’t life just an absolute gift? Don’t you just treasure every single day? Isn’t it exciting to wonder what today will bring and to be open and free of yesterday’s pains to accept today as the gift that it is? Isn’t it fun to be alive? And doesn’t it feel just wonderful to help someone and to accept his or her gifts of love?


Thanks, Big Guy. You came through again. Right when I needed you the most. And so now I’m on my way outside. First to hug The Herd. I need to restart today - the right way. Then to begin to prepare for our Open Barn. But my heart is in it now, thanks to you! Yes, my smile is once again from my heart. Big lesson learned from you today, Big Guy. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Bless you, my friend. And see you on the other side of the rainbow!

Enjoy the journey of each and every day,
Sandy and The Herd – living for today!