Refuge Farms (www.refugefarms.org)

This has been a week of difficult and extreme emotions. I find that, at the end of this week, I am drained and exhausted from simply the emotional toll of the recent events.

Early this week I spent time with a dear friend of mine. She calls me her sister – a deep and gracious honor. I sat with her as she wailed and prayed to God – no, begged God - to take her Mother to Him. Her 86 year old Mother has been dealing with dementia and kidney failures and now, as if it just could not be any more painful for this little woman, she had experienced a broken disc and a severed spinal cord.

Paralysis was complete. The pain was excruciating. Recovery was not anticipated. And this friend of mine pleaded with me and cried to me asking why this was happening to her Mother? And what was she to do? The guilt and the inadequacy to help was overwhelming to my friend. She wanted what was best for her Mother. And seemed unable to make that happen.

And then that reoccurring, infernal conversation began. The same conversation I had in the 1960’s with my Mother. The same conversation I had with Mo, my Sister’s RN, in the 1990’s. That conversation about how, if my dog or my horse were in such pain with no prognosis for recovery and not able to walk, what would I do? It would be a decision made only after all avenues were explored fully, but what would I do? I would euthanize the creature. I would consider the quality of life and if the creature was in pain, I would chose to euthanize. My friend sat in front of me with eyes overflowing with tears and asked me the same question once again: If I would euthanize a dog, why can’t I help my Mother cross over?

I’ve kept in contact with her throughout the week and the end of her Mother’s life here on earth is close. The pain is being managed and now they have precious quiet time together. Time for my friend to adjust to the loss and her future without her Mother. Time while she waits for her Mother to cross over.

My friend is strong. She will grieve. She will mourn the loss of her Mother. But she will move on. I know that of her. My friend is resilient and able to come through this deep misery that she finds herself in right now. But as of today, I will do my best to support her and listen to her and be there next to her when the time comes to say her final good-byes to this woman who gave her life.

And then today, I’m heading out to spend the morning with another dear friend of mine. She and I have been close for as long as I can remember. Sometimes we talk frequently and other times there is a span of days or weeks between our talks. But always we talk.

We talk when very good things happen in her life and her joy is overflowing. Those talks are exciting and my face hurts from smiling so much. She is almost child-like in her innocence, sometimes. I warn her to be cautious, but she plows ahead anyhow. Trusting that her love and commitment is enough to get her through.

And we talk when not so good things happen and the joy is nowhere to be found. Those talks are quiet and my eyes hurt from crying with her so much. She is almost child-like in her innocence, sometimes. I had warned her but she follows her heart and it seems to be broken more than her fair share of the time.

This friend of mine is an educated woman with vast experiences in dealing with all kinds of people. But she finds herself drawn to a situation where her counterpart is unable to feel or experience the depths of her passions. She is typically unequalled in her emotional commitments and so she works harder at this relationship trying to make up for the lacking of her counterpart. She somehow feels that if she gives 150% that will make up for the 50% given by the other. Someday, I pray, she will learn to look before she leaps. But that day has not yet come.

My friend is sad today. Her true and once-in-a-lifetime relationship has not gone as she was hoping and was working so hard to create. She is fractured like the back of my other friend’s Mother. And she is deeply hurt. The tears are running once again. So I will go to her and spend some time with her. I will listen as she pieces together the recent signs that were so evident but that she chose to look past. I will listen as she pleads with her God to help her understand. And I will listen to her as she begs for the grace to forgive. And when I ask her just why, after seventeen years of waiting, she doesn’t move on, I will once again see those overflowing eyes as she replies simply, “Because I love him. Because I’ll love him until I die.”

Somewhere in the day, I will quote Don Henley to her. I will talk about forgiveness and the relief that comes with letting go. She will not hear me today but maybe, if I keep in touch with her and tell her over and over again, she may hear me sometime in the future.

It pains me to watch these women with their hearts broken. I feel so helpless. I have been in similar positions with family about to cross over yet with bodies still “stuck” in this life. And I have been in love and not loved in return. I find myself looking for strength to attempt to support them and somehow personally deal with their pain. Of course, that means I find myself in the pastures.

I wander to Handsome and ask him just how did he forgive us Humans for the brutality that he suffered at our hands? And Josephina. I ask her how she kept her sanity during those years of captivity on the urine lines. I go to Jeri-Ann and marvel at her innocence. Asking her to pass some of her faith on to me so that I may carry it to my dear friends.

I spend time with Dude and question him on where he stored his resilience to come back so strongly from such a depleted and near-death state. Beauty is wise and willing to give me insights into her nearly two decades of torture and pain. The physical and emotional pain that just about killed her. But she has found a way to the peaceful side within her and today she will hopefully share with me her secrets.

Lastly, I will go to Laddee and ask how she endured. How did she survive? How did she hold it together in the midst of the worst of it all? How did she find the strength to continue? And where in the world did she find the power inside of herself to trust again? How can she be so at peace after all that has happened to her? After all of the unjust treatment that was passed onto her when all she asked for was to be loved? And lastly, dear Laddee, how do you deal with the heartache from the loss of your love, your dear Kentucky Jack?

I will spend the day with my friend today. And I will call my other friend this evening. But only after I have found the strengths and the wisdoms of The Herd in my pastures. They are wonderful teachers. Full of the teachings that we Humans seem to be so lacking. The teachings of communicating and sharing and respect and kindness and caring and true, real love. Oh, once again, I find myself wanting to be more like these horses.

In all of this, I would hope that you, too, would find the strength to deal with your own sorrows. Sorrow is a part of life. But to wallow in it is a waste. We must experience it but then, as a good friend told me, “Say thanks for the memories and move on!”

This day is a gift. I choose to share my gift with my friends who are in need of comfort. I will share my gift and give freely to these Human Beings in need. And when I get home, I will again run to the pastures. Run to the unwavering, unconditional, and unmistakable love and acceptance I find there with these Horse Ministers.

Enjoy the journey of each and every day,
Sandy and The Herd